Mom guilt

 Shew, yesterday was one heck of a day. Mom guilt is real guys, and it is a tough pill to swallow. So, just some background information for you all. We have been remote learning since August voluntarily. I have a heart condition, so we thought keeping Zoey at home would be safer. It has been a big adjustment since I am still working full-time, but most days it goes pretty smoothly. Yesterday, it did not. Yesterday I kind of flipped my lid, and you want to talk about feeling like shit. It is bad enough that I feel like I am holding her back by her not going to school, but I feel terrible for acting like it is all her fault. 

I am not a teacher, I did not go to school to be one. I always made a distinction about how I could NEVER teach children her age (elementary), but now I am doing exactly just that. 

The morning started out like normal. She didn't want to get up and do school work; finally forced her to get in here to do her work. She finished her math and started on her art class. I had an hour-long meeting, and I told her to finish her art and start on her Prodigy. My meeting ended a little early, only to find out she did not do her art or Prodigy, but instead watched Youtube the entire time. Ugh. So no more Youtube or breaks for the rest of the school day. So we moved on to Reading/English. She watched her video of the book read aloud, and went on to work on her worksheet, and it was like she couldn't describe or explain anything she had heard. So she watched it again, after I told her to 5 times. She still didn't get it. This child can explain in finite detail a Youtube video she watched 3 years ago, but can't describe a character in a book she heard 5 minutes ago. I don't get it, and I still don't. But I flipped. 

She was crying, I was holding back tears. All the stress of the past few months bubbled out and exploded, on the one person who is the most vulnerable. She didn't deserve it. She deserved patience, and teaching, but I gave yelling and whatever the lack of patience is. I wish I could take it back, but it I can't, it already came out. 

I write this hoping you don't think I am a terrible mom, but to let those of you going through something similar, you aren't the only one. Life right now is hard and different. Make sure you have a way to git rid of your stress so you aren't blowing up on your little ones like I did. And if you do, remember, someone else is doing the same thing. And also remember, you are their parent, they love you no matter what - so just make sure they know you are sorry for overreacting and give them extra hugs and kisses. (That seemed to help me!) 

See you all later! 

Inauguration Day

 Who would I be if I did not take the time to write something about yesterday. I am in a bit of an emotional freefall so if this blog doesn't make sense, I am sorry about that! Yesterday we said goodbye to the most terrible president the United States has had, and welcomed change. It was such an emotional day, full of changes. One of the best changes, I had been hoping for forever; we finally have a woman Vice President. Kamala Harris is our first WOMAN Vice President; and our first person of color Vice President. Can you believe it?! It only took 200ish years, but going forward our history changed forever yesterday, and for the best. I was so proud to watch the inauguration yesterday with my daughter. Showing her all of the strong women on that stage yesterday meant something. It is about time that women are getting the equality we deserve. We have a long way to go, but we definitely shattered a glass floor yesterday! 

I know we need to take baby steps to get things back to normal, but normal is no longer enough. We need big, bold changes, and I am just not sure this administration has it in them. Biden was not my first choice by a long shot, and neither was Harris. I am Bernie supporter for life. However, for right now I am very happy he will be our Budget Committee Chairman. Biden and Harris have a lot that they will need to work towards to make America happy and better, and I hope that they have it in them. Biden has already signed a long list of executive orders that will put us back on track with the environment, some things to help the economy, and get us being able to tackle COVID. I hope he doesn't back away from reducing student loan debt, and giving us better health care. I hope he doesn't shy away from racial and gender equality, and that he helps the immigrants already here in the US and the ones who dream of coming here for a better life. I wish for a more united country that values other humans. We need to get rid of discrimination, hatred and poverty. There are so many things on the list of important items we need to focus on, and I hope this administration doesn't let us down. 

I think over the past four years I have become a jaded. I used to be so positive when it came to politics and politicians. I didn't think someone like Trump would ever happen to our country, but it did, he did. The past four years I have been so confused as to how the people in this country could support someone as hateful and spiteful and non-informed as he is/was. I can't trust the people in this country or in our government like I once felt I could. I no longer KNOW that our government is doing things to help us, and that is a terrible news flash. I hope these next four years, I can regain my hope in politics and politicians. I hope that I can feel less worried like I used to.

Cheers to the next four years! Cheers to girls and women knowing that they can do and be anything! Cheers to a vaccine! Cheers to economic freedom! Cheers to racial justice! Let's make shit happen! And let's get shit done!

Talk to you guys later! 

READY TO KICK 2021'S ASS!

Late night thoughts because I couldn't sleep. Thought I would write them out, and maybe someone is experiencing the same thing. 

Have you ever had those terrible thoughts about not waking up the next morning? Like what if this is your last sleep. Ever since COVID, I have had these feelings all too often. Tim is usually passed out before I can even get comfortable, and my mind begins to race, which definitely doesn't help the sleep. Every nightmare scenario running through your mind. I think COVID has brought the reality of how fragile life just is to the forefront. COVID doesn't care if you are young or old, if you have a degree or not, if you have kids or not. It can be deadly to anyone, and I have seen too many young people die to not take this seriously. But beyond that, it has made me realize all of the things I have yet to do, like travel or work in government or truly make a difference in the world. It also makes me scared of what life would be like for Zoey without me. I couldn't imagine not growing up with my mom. 

I fear everyday that my life is passing me by, and instead of enjoying it, I am stuck in this mundane routine just doing what is expected of me. And if you know me at all, that is not what I do. I want to travel more; I want to experience life to the fullest. I want to be able to lay down at night and not worry about it being my final rest, but instead thinking about the awesome memories I have made and knowing that if it is my last sleep, I had an amazing last day. I am sure we all go through this period at some point in our life, and this might be my mid-life crisis, or it could be the Sagittarius in me. I just know that something in this mundane routine needs to change. I need to get out, to travel, to experience all there is to experience. I have lived through my books too long. It is time to write my own. Change can be scary, but it can be fun. I think we all deserve a chance to make life what we want it to be. Hopefully I can work towards doing just that for my own.

By the way, it has been awhile since I have been on here. So, hi, I am Kayla for all those who don't know me. I am 31, a mom, a wife and clearly someone with serious issues, haha. I am deciding that 2021 will be a year of living, not only for myself, but for everyone in my family. I want to make the most out of the short time we have on this planet. And what better time to start than now. Who is with me??

Catch ya later!