road trip!

So I have figured it out.  I have figured out the root of my problems when it comes to relationships.  I am not afraid of commitment or not being good enough for another person.  I am not afraid of fighting, arguing, or having issues with how we may raise our children.  I am not afraid of being cheated on nor am I scared that I will get into an abusive relationship.  My fear is much more basic than that.  I do not want to hurt the other person - whether it be in a decision I make, something I say, something I do not do, or just being too insensitive.  I am more scared of hurting the other person than ever being hurt.

Love and relationships are confusing subjects.  There are barriers and roadblocks to overcome, decisions at forks to be made, u-turns to be had, and citations to be given when laws aren't obeyed.  Yes, that was a lot of road/traffic comparisons, but think about it.  Love is a lot like driving a car.  You make the decision to get behind the wheel,  just like you make the decision to get into a relationship.  You make the decision of how careful you want to be, or how many risks you want to take.  But once you actually start driving, you don't only have to keep your own decisions in mind but other peoples as well - whether someone will pull out in front of you, whether they decide to brake-check, or weave across the center line.  All people involved must be considered, just like in a relationship.

I write to you today considering this topic of love and its similarities to driving because I am definitely in the car, and feel as if I am making the best and most appropriate choices for both parties involved.  But relationships are tricky, and have to be handled with care.  It is always important to remember that people have emotions and hearts, and a person's feelings must be considered with every decision - just like you would consider a passenger in your car when you are driving.  So what decision do I make?  Do I take the left or the right road at the fork?  Do I make a u-turn and go back.... HELL NO.  Do I want to take the risks necessary to make this road trip the best road trip ever?  I think so. 

just something trivial...

Tonight I was watching the new HBO show Girls, and I could not help but compare myself to Hannah.  Granted we are both extremely awkward and fine the most hideous (and guys) the absolute best - there was something else that I felt connected to.  I felt connected to her obvious passion for writing.  Too often I find my subjects/topics trivial and realize that no on would be slightly interested in hearing of my life events.  I write things that matter to me, trivial and meaningless to some, but hopefully life-changing for others.  In the episode, she was going to do an essay reading, and instead of reading the essay that had obvious meaning to her, she read one that she wrote on the bus to the location.  She decided not to read the one because her friend and her boyfriend the essay was 'trivial' and stupid.  A topic her boyfriend did not think was trivial though was divorce - but deep rooted intimacy issues mean nothing... okay?  (That was the topic of her first essay.)  Either way, I will satiate Adam *Hannah's boyfriend* and write about divorce - which, awkwardly enough, has turned into some deep rooted intimacy issues for me.  Enjoy.

Do you remember what life was like at 8 years old?  I was dancing/ballet and playing softball and co-ed basketball.  I was finally talking to people and being friends with someone other than my dog.  I was in love with one man, my father.  I sought comfort in my brother's bed because I had reoccuring nightmares.  I fought with my mom because she brushed my hair too hard, I was an electrician like my dad for career day, I refused to wear "girly clothes", and I was signing up for the baseball team next season.  To sum it up, I was an unsocial, tomboy who was terrified of life.  Oh yeah, and did I mention that I was experiencing a divorce?  I was forced to grow up when I found out my parents were separating.  Oh, was I devastated?!  My dad was everything.  I was angry, sad, and lonely.  My brother seemed okay and would never talk to me, my mom and dad were always having private discussions, and my best friend *my dog Sam* died.  I was alone.  Anyone not blind could tell it.  When I was not in my closet - weird place to seek comfort I know - I was in the woods.  The woods was my haven.  I stopped talking; I just pondered and cried.  Eventually I stopped.  My tears dried up, my mom got her own place, I started playing baseball, and the divorce papers were signed.  To be honest, divorce was not that bad.  Divorce saved my parents from a life they would have been miserable living.  Divorce saved my brother and me from the headaches from hearing the arguments.  Even though those still came.  It was the years after the divorce that was so hard.  My parents used to be so cordial, even some time after the divorce, but that stopped.  I was always the "middle man."  The child support payments were handed to me, the lunch money went to me, the requests for holidays, everything.  I was nine when the divorce was finalized, yet I felt much older.  By the time I was 12 I knew how to keep a check book, write checks, and file for a divorce.  But it wasn't growing up that made things difficult, I truly believe it was just because I was confused.

I was a ball on a tennis court - going back and forth, back and forth.  I was tired of being knocked around, yet it continued and still does to some extent today.  Welcome to my deep rooted intimacy issues.  Love equals issues, right?  Love equals fights, arguments and pain, right?  Love equals never being truly happy and always sacrificing... correct?  Well supposedly not, but love that isn't like that is not real right?  Hell, I don't know.  Divorce confused me but not because of the obvious reasons.  I get it - not everyone who works in the beginning works for eternity.  Love is not always easy and there will be problems/arguments.  But how much is too much?  How much brown grass can you look at before you listen to the old wise tale - grass is always greener on the other side?  Divorce created issues within me of not knowing how to say stop to the push and pull, and it has tested my ability to set limits on those that I love.  And in turn, scared the ability to love right out of me - maybe for forever or maybe just for now.  Hell who knows?  But I know divorce is not trivial - it is hard.  Hard to deal with, hard to decide on, and hard to admit it is the best decision for all parties involved - kids included!

Which brings me to my point - after that spiel - trivial means something different to everyone.  Trust your gut in your decisions, your passions and in love.  Your gut will not lie to you, it won't get jealous, and it will never hurt you - purposely or not.  In life we make tough decisions, we make easy ones, and sometimes others make them for us - but we will always have ultimate veto power.  Meaning, make your decisions in like knowing, almost always, they can be undone or the consequences can be fixed.  Pencils do have erasers after all, remember?  And don't be ashamed to your trivial bullshit - it isn't trivial to you if you took the time to write it, right?

Did you know Steve married Joe...

I realized that I have yet to write a blog about gay marriage, and considering I really don't want to jinx myself by talking about my recent good luck, I think I will focus on that tonight. This is the moment when most people say, "well I am not gay, personally, but I have no problem with it" or "of course I am against it, God says that it is wrong." Well luckily for all of my readers, I hold neither viewpoint. I will not write a disclaimer before saying that I am for gay rights, nor will I fall back on religion for supporting my feeling on gay marriage (and in both cases if you know me at all you will know I am straight by all of my horrible relationship issues and my lack of religion could be startling). I support gay marriage because I couldn't imagine walking ten steps, let alone a mile, in their shoes in this bigoted world.


Recently I had a few friends come out to me, and I could not be any more happier for them.  Granted the life they will live now will be so much more difficult because they are openly gay, but then again they will not have to live within their own prison - hating their life because they couldn't accept themselves. I could not imagine not being able to love freely, or being discriminated/hated because of who I held hands with or kissed or chose to lay in bed with at night. I did not choose to support gay marriage because of my friends who came out to me, nor did I choose because I am gay, I chose because it is the right thing to do. It is morally wrong to say that two people cannot marry because they are the same sex. I do not know one straight person that wants to be denied the right to marry their lover, so why do that to someone else? And the argument that I hate the most is that gay people cannot reproduce. Well damn you, a lot of people cannot reproduce. Some men shoot blanks, some women's eggs are not able to fully turn into a viable fetus, and some people just choose not to reproduce. What about those in the Church who are not reproducing - all of those able bodied, straight people who are CHOOSING not to reproduce and populate this earth. Reproduction is the worst argument to have against gay marriage, yet it is increasingly becoming a popular one to use.


I must say, living in North Carolina, where Amendment 1 was recently passed saying that the only accepted civil union in North Carolina was a marriage between a man and a woman, has been difficult for me. There have been numerous pastors who have spoken about the LGBT community as if they are some sort of second species, or inferior to straight people which could not be further from the truth.  The LGBT community are people who have feelings, needs, desires, dreams, and wishes, no different from the straight community. It is time people need to stop hating a section of people because they are different and learn to accept their differences. A person has the right to not like or not associate or talk to a person of the LGBT community, but by no means do you have the right to damn them, to make laws against them, or to discriminate on the sole reason that they are different.


In short, I think gay marriage should be legalized. Honestly, could you imagine what a boost in our economy that would be, all of the jobs that would be needed to throw a proper gay wedding?! (joke, haha) In all seriousness though, think about it. What right does any person have to say that one person cannot marry the person they truly love, regardless of race, creed, or sex? I know I have no right to tell Steve he cannot marry Joe, nor do I have any right to tell Lilly she cannot marry Rita. Put yourself in someone else's shoes...feel how they feel...love how they love. Imagine what it would be like to be in love with someone and know that marriage is not even an option, adoption is becoming more and more difficult, and that, hell who knows, you may even have trouble getting an apartment together or you could not be on each other's insurance, or you could not even be in the hospital room as your lover takes their last breath. If you think you should have all those options regardless of your race or sexuality, then stand up for the LGBT community.


Okay, so that was kind of an intense blog. Hope all is well with everyone and that you are remembering not to judge. Also, just food for thought is a quote I saw this morning: "Poison from the past looks you in the face every day." Don't hold on to the past; remember to keep moving and change is never a bad thing!