Tonight I was watching the new HBO show Girls, and I could not help but compare myself to Hannah. Granted we are both extremely awkward and fine the most hideous (and guys) the absolute best - there was something else that I felt connected to. I felt connected to her obvious passion for writing. Too often I find my subjects/topics trivial and realize that no on would be slightly interested in hearing of my life events. I write things that matter to me, trivial and meaningless to some, but hopefully life-changing for others. In the episode, she was going to do an essay reading, and instead of reading the essay that had obvious meaning to her, she read one that she wrote on the bus to the location. She decided not to read the one because her friend and her boyfriend the essay was 'trivial' and stupid. A topic her boyfriend did not think was trivial though was divorce - but deep rooted intimacy issues mean nothing... okay? (That was the topic of her first essay.) Either way, I will satiate Adam *Hannah's boyfriend* and write about divorce - which, awkwardly enough, has turned into some deep rooted intimacy issues for me. Enjoy.
Do you remember what life was like at 8 years old? I was dancing/ballet and playing softball and co-ed basketball. I was finally talking to people and being friends with someone other than my dog. I was in love with one man, my father. I sought comfort in my brother's bed because I had reoccuring nightmares. I fought with my mom because she brushed my hair too hard, I was an electrician like my dad for career day, I refused to wear "girly clothes", and I was signing up for the baseball team next season. To sum it up, I was an unsocial, tomboy who was terrified of life. Oh yeah, and did I mention that I was experiencing a divorce? I was forced to grow up when I found out my parents were separating. Oh, was I devastated?! My dad was everything. I was angry, sad, and lonely. My brother seemed okay and would never talk to me, my mom and dad were always having private discussions, and my best friend *my dog Sam* died. I was alone. Anyone not blind could tell it. When I was not in my closet - weird place to seek comfort I know - I was in the woods. The woods was my haven. I stopped talking; I just pondered and cried. Eventually I stopped. My tears dried up, my mom got her own place, I started playing baseball, and the divorce papers were signed. To be honest, divorce was not that bad. Divorce saved my parents from a life they would have been miserable living. Divorce saved my brother and me from the headaches from hearing the arguments. Even though those still came. It was the years after the divorce that was so hard. My parents used to be so cordial, even some time after the divorce, but that stopped. I was always the "middle man." The child support payments were handed to me, the lunch money went to me, the requests for holidays, everything. I was nine when the divorce was finalized, yet I felt much older. By the time I was 12 I knew how to keep a check book, write checks, and file for a divorce. But it wasn't growing up that made things difficult, I truly believe it was just because I was confused.
I was a ball on a tennis court - going back and forth, back and forth. I was tired of being knocked around, yet it continued and still does to some extent today. Welcome to my deep rooted intimacy issues. Love equals issues, right? Love equals fights, arguments and pain, right? Love equals never being truly happy and always sacrificing... correct? Well supposedly not, but love that isn't like that is not real right? Hell, I don't know. Divorce confused me but not because of the obvious reasons. I get it - not everyone who works in the beginning works for eternity. Love is not always easy and there will be problems/arguments. But how much is too much? How much brown grass can you look at before you listen to the old wise tale - grass is always greener on the other side? Divorce created issues within me of not knowing how to say stop to the push and pull, and it has tested my ability to set limits on those that I love. And in turn, scared the ability to love right out of me - maybe for forever or maybe just for now. Hell who knows? But I know divorce is not trivial - it is hard. Hard to deal with, hard to decide on, and hard to admit it is the best decision for all parties involved - kids included!
Which brings me to my point - after that spiel - trivial means something different to everyone. Trust your gut in your decisions, your passions and in love. Your gut will not lie to you, it won't get jealous, and it will never hurt you - purposely or not. In life we make tough decisions, we make easy ones, and sometimes others make them for us - but we will always have ultimate veto power. Meaning, make your decisions in like knowing, almost always, they can be undone or the consequences can be fixed. Pencils do have erasers after all, remember? And don't be ashamed to your trivial bullshit - it isn't trivial to you if you took the time to write it, right?
Do you remember what life was like at 8 years old? I was dancing/ballet and playing softball and co-ed basketball. I was finally talking to people and being friends with someone other than my dog. I was in love with one man, my father. I sought comfort in my brother's bed because I had reoccuring nightmares. I fought with my mom because she brushed my hair too hard, I was an electrician like my dad for career day, I refused to wear "girly clothes", and I was signing up for the baseball team next season. To sum it up, I was an unsocial, tomboy who was terrified of life. Oh yeah, and did I mention that I was experiencing a divorce? I was forced to grow up when I found out my parents were separating. Oh, was I devastated?! My dad was everything. I was angry, sad, and lonely. My brother seemed okay and would never talk to me, my mom and dad were always having private discussions, and my best friend *my dog Sam* died. I was alone. Anyone not blind could tell it. When I was not in my closet - weird place to seek comfort I know - I was in the woods. The woods was my haven. I stopped talking; I just pondered and cried. Eventually I stopped. My tears dried up, my mom got her own place, I started playing baseball, and the divorce papers were signed. To be honest, divorce was not that bad. Divorce saved my parents from a life they would have been miserable living. Divorce saved my brother and me from the headaches from hearing the arguments. Even though those still came. It was the years after the divorce that was so hard. My parents used to be so cordial, even some time after the divorce, but that stopped. I was always the "middle man." The child support payments were handed to me, the lunch money went to me, the requests for holidays, everything. I was nine when the divorce was finalized, yet I felt much older. By the time I was 12 I knew how to keep a check book, write checks, and file for a divorce. But it wasn't growing up that made things difficult, I truly believe it was just because I was confused.
I was a ball on a tennis court - going back and forth, back and forth. I was tired of being knocked around, yet it continued and still does to some extent today. Welcome to my deep rooted intimacy issues. Love equals issues, right? Love equals fights, arguments and pain, right? Love equals never being truly happy and always sacrificing... correct? Well supposedly not, but love that isn't like that is not real right? Hell, I don't know. Divorce confused me but not because of the obvious reasons. I get it - not everyone who works in the beginning works for eternity. Love is not always easy and there will be problems/arguments. But how much is too much? How much brown grass can you look at before you listen to the old wise tale - grass is always greener on the other side? Divorce created issues within me of not knowing how to say stop to the push and pull, and it has tested my ability to set limits on those that I love. And in turn, scared the ability to love right out of me - maybe for forever or maybe just for now. Hell who knows? But I know divorce is not trivial - it is hard. Hard to deal with, hard to decide on, and hard to admit it is the best decision for all parties involved - kids included!
Which brings me to my point - after that spiel - trivial means something different to everyone. Trust your gut in your decisions, your passions and in love. Your gut will not lie to you, it won't get jealous, and it will never hurt you - purposely or not. In life we make tough decisions, we make easy ones, and sometimes others make them for us - but we will always have ultimate veto power. Meaning, make your decisions in like knowing, almost always, they can be undone or the consequences can be fixed. Pencils do have erasers after all, remember? And don't be ashamed to your trivial bullshit - it isn't trivial to you if you took the time to write it, right?
I will forever be sorry. Love is not a bad thing. However it takes 2to make it work. If one drops out, yes it goes to hell, taking the good down. We then fight to get back up. You are a miracle to me and didn't deserve a second of it, and I am so sorry you were brought down to. You are Kayla, daughter of Kevin. Princess of The World. My tears will forever fall for you.
ReplyDeleteYou know, it will be okay. Love isn't a bad thing, it is just extremely confusing! And it is all good, because I am still kicking and stronger for it! The tears aren't necessary, just love me. And if tears are part of the love process, then do it! :)
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